Semi-Homemade: A More Correct Definition

For every amusing (Paula Dean), charming (Ina Garten), brilliant (Nigella Lawson) star Food Network gifts the public with, there are legions of offensively insulting and ill-qualified windbags polluting the airwaves. The worst offender by far is resident alcoholic Sandra Lee, host of a show laughably titled Semi-Homemade. I'm not sure how adding water to powdered Jell-O pudding mix and topping the finished product with canned whipped dairy substitute is even SEMI-homemade.

I bring this up because last week a friend's boyfriend asked if I had a homemade marshmallow recipe I could share. As it happens, I do. However, I'm not a giant fan of marshmallows. They have a firm place in hot cocoa and s'mores and ... that's it as far as I'm concerned. So: if I am to make an entire batch of marshmallows, what's to be done with them? I'll tell you what: pair them with homemade graham crackers and make--you got it--semi-homemade s'mores.

Unlike Sandra's recipe for semi-homemade s'mores, which I'm sure would read something like:

Step 1: GO TO THE STORE AND BUY CHOCOLATE AND GRAHAM CRACKERS AND MARSHMALLOWS.
Step 2: GET WASTED!
Step 3:  LAYER EVERYTHING YOU JUST BOUGHT ON TOP OF EACH OTHER. DON'T FORGET TO TAKE IT ALL OUT OF THE PACKAGING! OMFG GUYS! YOU'RE, LIKE, TOTALLY CHEFS!!
my recipe involves some actual kitchen-time.

Marshmallows
Adapted from Baking at Home.

Flourless cooking spray
1 cup sugar
1/4 cup honey
1/4 cup light corn syrup*
3/4 cup cold water
2 pkgs (4 1/2 tsp) powdered unflavored gelatin
2 tsp vanilla extract
2-ish cups powdered sugar

Prepare your baking dish (I used a 9x11 because it's what I had but the book recommends an 8x8) by greasing with cooking spray. Place a sheet of parchment paper in the dish such that you can press it to the bottom of the pan and still have a few inches of overhang over the sides--with a square dish, you'll need two pieces of parchment paper, one running in each direction; for a rectangular vessel you may be able to get away with one big piece. In the end, make sure your parchment paper is pressed tightly to the bottom and sides of the dish and then cover the parchment paper in a light layer of cooking spray.

Combine sugar, honey, corn syrup and 1/4 cup cold water in a heavy saucepan. Stir until sugar is fully moistened and bring to a boil, stirring constantly. Stop stirring as soon as it reaches a boil but continue to cook until it reaches 240 F on a candy thermometer. Remove from heat and pour into whichever bowl you're comfortable taking a pair of beaters to (or the bowl of a stand mixture fitted with a paddle attachment if you have it). Let cool undisturbed until it reaches 210 F. It's okay if it cools past this by the time you get back to it.

While that's cooling, sprinkle gelatin over the rest of the water in a small bowl. Stir to break up clumps and let it sit for about 2 minutes to soften. Heat over a double boiler or in the microwave for about 20 seconds on low; you want the granules melted and the liquid transparent (it may have a yellowish tint, that's okay). Stir the vanilla into the gelatin. Stir this into the sugar mixture.

Beat on high until white, foamy, and will hold medium-firm peaks when you invert a whisk or the beaters. The took me about 15 minutes, but I was also a little hesitant to take my $7 Chefmate electric mixer to full power. Don't be afraid, just do it. It'll save you time.

Pour into your prepared pan and smooth down with a spatula, preferably of the offset variety. Freeze for 30-45 minutes or until set.

Once set, lift parchment paper from the pan to remove the entire marshmallow slab. Get a new sheet of parchment paper and sift about 1 cup of powdered sugar all over it. Go back to the parchment holding your marshmallows: remove the paper and cut the 'mallows into 1-inch squares or whatever shape and size makes you happiest. (It helps if you lightly oil the knife, or spray it with cooking spray like I did.) Place the 'mallows on the sugared parchment paper and when they're all assembled there, sift the remaining 1-ish cup of powdered sugar over them. Roll them around until they are all coated in sugar and dry to the touch (they sweat, you'll see).

Shake off the excess powdered sugar and place all marshmallows in an airtight container. I cannot stress enough that the Ziploc plastic tupperware containers are not airtight. It won't ruin your confections, but it certain doesn't help them to have prolonged exposure to air.

Tips and Tricks:
-  These definitely taste like fresher versions of your store-bought marshmallows, so if you're a giant marshmallow fan, it would be worth the effort to make these. If you're not, the Jiffy (or whatever) ones work just as well for just about any/everything.
- Shit gets sticky. Just be warned.
- You will not use the entire 2 cups of powdered sugar to coat these so just gather it all neatly on the parchment paper and put it back in the bag from whence it came.
* A note about corn syrup: Please don't lose your shit that this has corn syrup in it. Corn syrup and high-fructose corn syrup are different things. The basic science here is that corn syrup is made of the same principle biochemical component as honey: glucose. If you have a problem with corn syrup for health reasons, you should also have a problem with honey. High-fructose corn syrup has been modified with enzymes to include the disaccharide fructose.

Serving and Pricing info: I had all the ingredients to this so, you know, free for me. Gelatin might be the only thing you don't have laying around and it isn't terrible expensive, so you're looking at a few cents a bite. Serving totally depends on how you cut them.
Active Time: 40 minutes
Total Time: 1 hour, 20 minutes


Graham Crackers
Adapted from Smitten Kitchen.

2 1/2 cups all-purpose flour
1 cup brown sugar
1 tsp baking soda
3/4 tsp salt
7 tbsp unsalted butter
1/3 cup honey
5 tbsp milk
2 tbsp vanilla extract
1 1/2 tbsp granulated sugar
1 1/2 tsp cinnamon

Whisk first four ingredients together in a medium or large bowl. Cut the butter into small cubes and add it to the dry ingredients. Using a pastry blender or your fingers (I used the latter), gently combine the ingredients until you have a course meal.

In another bowl, mix the next three ingredients together. Once combined, add them to the dry ingredients. Mix until just combined. Dough should be soft and sticky.

Lay out a large piece of plastic wrap and lightly dust it with flour. Turn the dough out onto the floured wrap and mold it into a 1-inch thick rectangle. Wrap it tightly and place in the refridgerator for at least 2 hours (can also be place in the freezer to cut the time in half). When the chilling time is over, remove half the rectangle from the fridge/freezer to work with and return the other half to continue chilling. Meanwhile, take granulated sugar and cinnamon and combine to make cinnamon-sugar topping.

Dust a clean counter space with a lot of flour. Keep the container of flour nearby as you will need to constantly reflour your work surface, your hands, and your rolling pin. Roll the dough out to 1/8-inch thick. Cut desired size and shape of cracker out of the dough; the traditional size is about 4 1/2 x 2 inches but I eye-balled mine at whatever size I thought s'more-appropriate at the time. Later I got bored and used maple leaf cookie cutters.

Cover a baking sheet with parchment paper. Pre-heat oven to 350 F. Place crackers on paper with at least 1/4-inch space around them on all sides. Sprinkle with desired amount of topping. Place baking sheet in freezer for 15 minutes. Continue rolling out crackers. When you run out of dough from both half of the rectangle, combine your scraps and roll them out together and continue making graham crackers until you are actually all out of dough.

When baking sheet is sufficiently cold, place in oven and cook for 12-15 minutes or until golden. Repeat topping, chilling, and baking process until you run out of dough. Cool on wire racks and store in an airtight container.

Semi-Homemade S'mores

2 homemade graham crackers
1-2 homemade marshmallows
1+ square(s) good quality chocolate

If you have a gas stove, I think you can figure out what to do. If you don't, set an oven rack at the highest position it can go. Set the oven to broil. Place a marshmallow on a graham cracker on a baking sheet and place under the broiler for 1-2 minutes. Remove from oven when marshmallow is toasted as desired and place chocolate atop it. Place another graham cracker on top of the chocolate. And yes, if you made the crackers and 'mallows, you are a fucking chef (er, baker). Be proud.

The Take Home: This was a fun project, but definitely not worth the time committment. Unless you just literally have nothing do for 10 hours, in which case, more power to you.